Oui5: How to conduct yourself with dignity in a zombie attack

There’s been a bit of a lull in my blogging, and this time I’m blaming democracy. Specifically, the free-wheeling, cheerfully bare-knuckled, zero-sum brand of democracy practiced in the Republic of Kenya. Unless you’ve been living under a rock (without wifi), you’ll have seen reports of Kenya’s presidential elections in the press.

According to my thoroughly unscientific survey, foreign journalists tend to catalogue these stories under two broad themes:

We are all Kenyans: A feel-good story spun loosely around the fact nuggets that Kenya in the West’s greatest ally in the Horn of Africa, the most prosperous economy in the region (host to blue chip multi-nations, the UN and the many NGOs that barnacle its underbelly) and that the Kenyans are the Canadians of Africa (reserved in public, law-abiding, quick to say ‘sorry’ (someone said sorry to me when I slipped on a tulip flower the other day in a parking lot – they were 5 meters away from me!). The narrative is, roughly, that we should cross our fingers and clench our collective buttocks for a peaceful and transparent election, but that we should accept the outcome (i.e. even if a certain candidate who is also under indictment by the International Criminal Court (ICC) is declared the winner).
They are all Kenyans: A more cynical and passive-aggressive perspective, in which the Kenyan society is portrayed as metastasized with tribalism, socio-economic inequality, and a deep vein of smash-and-grab calculus. The poison bush must toxic berries bear. To be approached delicately, and more experienced journalists are careful to end on an upbeat tone.

My opinion is roughly in the middle, as is, incidentally, the outcome of the election process thus far. As to the former point, every time I know even a little more than the average person about a topic being handled by a journalist, the arc of my eyebrows is as follows: ‘over-simplification’, ‘under-nuanced’ and/or ‘flat out wrong’. As to the latter, the elections were conducted peacefully (by and large) and the most significant post-decision challenge has been made in the forum of the Supreme Court by the ostensibly defeated candidate. Mind you, the action calls for the complete nullification of the results, and a re-running of the entire process (the pleading is silent as to who should pay for this, hmm?)

The judicial process seems a mix of sophisticated procedural hearings (with real time release of filings, and robust public discourse), and good old-fashioned thuggery (the Chief Justice received a written death threat with the less-than-clear instruction to ‘do the right thing’). My two cents to the author of this missive: if you’re going to threaten a high profile public servant in writing, at least make your ‘ask’ crystal clear.

Anyway, all of the above is the realm of TV programmes, editorials and people who wear neckties without toddler drool stains. In the real world, this translated to ‘shall we leave the country during the elections?’ and ‘do we have enough oil, petrol, sugar, (in my case, espresso), mineral water etc.?’ in the event we do stay.

The big boy hamming it up...

We flip-flopped almost daily on the stay-v-go decision. Some friends were leaving, and we received a barrage of ‘what to do in the event of a zombie attack’ memos from the Swiss and Canadian consulates. The Swiss letters, in particular, became progressively shriller (or at least it seemed that way to me because the author stopped proofreading the letters as we got closer to election day, and started departing from normative punctuation standards (since when are exclamation marks acceptable in documents on official letter-head?) Kidding (sort of), it is a hard job and I appreciate the work that goes into the outreach process.

Here is a quick re-cap of our thought process.

Indicia that we are headed for the abyss:

Toyota dealership on the main downtown thoroughfare is emptied of inventory
SHOUTY LETTERS from Swiss EMBASSY!!?
Public ‘prayers for peace’ sessions
Horrific stories circulating about violence (both targeted and opportunistic) in previous elections
ICC indictment ensures that there will not be a graceful concession speech (since only the winner is entitled to claim executive immunity)

Indicia that we could be overreacting by leaving:

UN’s ‘you may work from home but we reserve the right to frown upon you for it’ policy
Business as usual in shops, offices, etc.
Flights out of Nairobi remained available

In the end, we decided to go to Tanzania, where I ran the Kilimanjaro Marathon, and then onto Zanzibar for a week.

The race was great, but hard – kilometers 20-33 are a straight-up hill at a gradient of about 10%, so I clocked my worst time ever. But because I’m training for an ultra (more on that in another post soon), I think I’ve somewhat transcended the tyranny of times and clocks when it comes to distance running. Or, it could just be that I’ve lost any shred of pride which I had – which amounts to the same thing really. Regardless, I was genuinely happy that I had run to my plan, ended with a negative split, and of course qualified for the Comrades Ultra.

Below: Enjoying a spice tour on Zanzibar (yes, they made up palm leave accessories - note my tie!)

Below: The lipstick plant, which the Maasai use to colour their hair and skin

We then went to Matemwe, on the North-West part of the Zanzibari island, which was a lot of fun for all! I don’t think we had realized the degree to which we were internalizing the election-anxiety, so it was good for the whole family to just relax, hang out, swim (or in F.’s case, diligently scope out each room/location for sharp and shiny objects with which to commit violence upon himself and/or others), and eat. The house we had rented was on a beach, run by a lady who used the rental revenues to fund a school for the local children, so we would often go up to the school house to use the Wifi, and just generally hang out with the kids.

Below: S. enjoys the seaside

Below: F. does not!

Interestingly, our host said that she had bought Montessori supplies for the school children, only to find that their motor skills far surpassed those expected by the Montessori materials – because the kids generally shadow their mothers at work right from birth, and so end up being super dexterous and independent by the time they hit the 3-5 year-old mark. Thereafter, unfortunately, the amount of stimulation and encouragement they get drops off dramatically (esp. for girls)…

Anyway, the judicial review of the election process will probably be completed in the coming weeks, at which point we may have to revisit the stay-v-go issue.

Here’s an example of a fairly typical ‘emergency preparedness’ email:

“The Supreme Court is expected to rule on the petitions challenging the presidential election result by Saturday March 30, 2013. The decision will be announced during the Easter holiday weekend, a time when many people go out of town. There could be a strong public reaction to the announcement; therefore, staff and partners are advised to avoid gatherings, demonstrations, downtown business areas, traditional hotspots (such as Kibera, Mathare, Kariobangi) and large crowds of any kind. Remember even gatherings intended to be peaceful can turn violent with little or no warning. Demonstrations could also lead to traffic congestion and possible road closures. Staff are further advised to be cautious and monitor local media for the latest information on demonstrations and traffic disruptions, particularly those who plan to spend the holiday away from home. For those who have not done so, we encourage you to read the Preparedness Plan (attached).

Please note: This is not a prediction, only an assessment of what might happen.”

So you can see how it is hard to tell if you’re being too paranoid, or not paranoid enough.

Also, only loosely related, please say the name ‘Kariobangi’ a few times in a row just to see how satisfying it is.

Either way, in the event of civil unrest, I have bookmarked a local ‘antique’ store for looting – seriously, $400 for a glass bead-embroidered gourd? Also, I’m sure the Swiss embassy guy has mixed feelings about a PEACEFUL OUTCOME!!!!